Ye Olde News Blog

Newly-purchased canary suspected gay, owner in anguish

by Hikaru

                     Bernard, a stereotypical asian man, was “a bit saddened” by his friends’ and family’s insinuations that the Gloster canary he purchased on Monday might be gay.  Encouraged by a canary’s reputed singing abilities, Bernard purchased a bird only to be disappointed by the barrage of questions he received regarding his pet’s sexual orientation.  Carmen, a family friend, was the first to note that the bird has bangs, laughing it off as a rather odd, outdated fashion statement but did not accuse it of homosexuality because, in her words, "my son is also partial to bangs."

His friend Marc, on the other hand, immediately outed the uncharacteristically quiet canary upon seeing it.  “Dude, Bernard’s bird is a fucking fag.  I’ve never seen a bird with bangs cuz straight birds don’t have time to go to bird salons or Supercuts™  or whatever parlor fag birds go to.  And check out its feathers.  It’s got blond highlights, foo.  Come on, everybody knows only fags do it.  My ex-boyfriend used to have it done all the time.”

The biggest blow came this morning when his mother noticed the bird’s leg tag which she mistook for an anklet, and added that it resembled one she won at a church raffle two months ago.  Furthermore, she unwelcomedly wondered out loud that male canaries sing, so why was his bird chirping rather demurely.  Bernard allegedly stomped on his mother’s tomatoes in retaliation before inconsolably running off in tears.

“[The canary] didn’t seem gay at the store.  In fact, it kept chasing the other male canaries aggressively like a football player and that’s why I got it.  How was I supposed to know the bird didn’t have sports in mind?  I mean, I don’t care if it’s gay, but to be that openly gay kinda troubles me.”  Asked if there were any tell-tale signs that might have warned him beforehand, Bernard replied, “I should have taken the 1-day warranty as a sign.  I guess it’s too late to return it now.”

Let’s fill that sucker up on a $5 a week budget.  Every week I’ll be listing five songs you probably should have in your iPod before you legally declare yourself homeless 4,000 songs down the road.

1. Ordinary People (John Legend)   2. Defying Gravity (Wicked the Musical)   3. The View (Modest Mouse)   4. Take Me Out (Franz Ferdinand); if you give up this week’s Diet Coke allotment, then buy the Morgan Geist Re-Version.   5. Rippin Kittin (Miss Kittin)

To all of you who have pondered such timeless questions as, "why did the chicken cross the road?", "who’s your daddy?", or "does this make me look fat? No, seriously?", this blog’s for you.  Post your problems, and let my slightly cropped alter ego Hikaru enlighten thee. (Psst psst, click Comments)