Ye Olde News Blog

To Andy, thank you for allowing me to translate Le Petit Prince from French to English and back to French again.  Here’s something I found on a plastic bag that I fear only you will enjoy.

Attention: Afin d eviter le danger de suffocation, eloigner ce sac des bebes et desenfants, nep as utiliser dans des berceaux, de lits des poussettes ou dans des parcs. Ce sac n’est pas un jouet.  Nouer avant de jeter.

Attention: The evil fin is in danger of suffocation, elongate the sack of babes and disinfect, nope utilize the dance of the beerhouses, the little [censored by Friendster] are dancing in the parks.  Your sack is not very enjoyable.  Never attack Derek Jeter.

Happy 16^th birthday to Darlene Mateo and 4(ahem) birthday to you too Mrs. Blake.  Jesus loves you more than you will know, whoa whoa whoa.  Normally I’d do full coverage of the events, but the post office closes at 5 and it’s, holy son of a preacher man! better make this quick…

Cake Infuriates Woman, Excites Teen   

Winnie Blake threw fits after husband Alan unwisely presented her with a birthday cake bearing the correct number of candles exposing her real age.  “This is worse than when he put 41 candles last year.  I guess he wasn’t satisfied with that so he had to add one more this year,” a furious Winnie explained.  She refused to blow the candles out until Alan persuaded 16-year-old co-celebrant Darlene Mateo to exchange cakes with 42-year-old Winnie, to which the teen responded, “So does this mean I can smoke now?” 

Woman Seen On DVD Seen At Party

Aurora Dimacale, mother of three, drunk by 4, claimed she could be seen in a DVD nobody has actually seen.  The DVD she was referring to was the video of her friend’s daughter’s wedding, a friend nobody has seen nor is believed to exist.  Faced with the predicament of producing tangible proof, Aurora finally admitted that neither the video, her friend, nor her children were real, but the T-shirt she was wearing was the same as the one seen on TV.

Man Takes Another Self-Pic, Nobody Interested

On the way to the bathroom, KC Yamamoto was cornered by Bernard Nunez brandishing a digital camera containing mostly pictures of himself and a photo of his friend taken “by accident” which Bernard plans to delete to make room for another shot of his hair.  The unsuspecting KC was then forced to choose her favorite among the 86 photographs, settling for “pic#63 Elizabethan harlot” before she was released.  Upon stepping out of the bathroom, KC found Bernard waiting outside, excited to show her a self-pic he took “just now” and was once again confronted with the decision whether the new “cowboy pic” was better than the one sans the hat.

Man Unwittingly Flashes Wrong Hand Signal

Non-Hawaiian Filipino Noli Mateo flashed his trademark double hangten hand sign while posing for the cameras Saturday night.  Unbeknownst to Noli, only one hand is required for a hangten, and when doubled, as defined by the National Hawaiian Restaurant Owner Association, it stands for “we have no more soy sauce.”  Family members opted not to correct him “because it’s funny as hell.”

Man Kisses Wife In Public

In a rare show of emotion at Saturday’s party, James Dempsey was spotted by at least seven guests kissing his wife Linda unannounced and without the hostess’ permission.  The incident occurred at a table the couple shared with three other married couples who were visibly shaken by the two’s scandalous behavior.  Ophelia Moy, one of the witnesses who refuses to openly admit her marriage to husband of 37 years Ed so as “to create the illusion of chastity, and if time permits, virginity,” called the act “a demoralizing publicity stunt justifiable only when one has a movie to promote”.   They were later seen dancing “dangerously close to one another” but by that time guests were instructed to ignore everything the couple does beyond eating, sitting, and breathing, which Ophelia noted “was executed in an unmistakably erotic fashion”.

Psychic Hides Stuff

Madam Ursula, a psychic entertainer hired for the event, announced to everyone that she had, in fact, been hiding stuff from them.  This revelation came about after Ed Moy failed to secure her $50 down payment, but once paid, Madam Ursula assured everyone all secrets will be uncovered, hinting that some of the things she had hidden included last week’s winning lottery numbers, several rolls of super-absorbent paper towels, and an unsightly birthmark on her upper thigh.

Fellow Psychic Reveals All On DVD

Aurora Dimacale, rival psychic, promises the answer to all of life’s questions and the future of mankind in DVD form.  She invited interested guests to meet her outside by her car where she was selling copies of her DVD, which were later discovered to be bootleg copies of Steven Spielberg’s War of the Worlds.

Happy birthday to MJM on the 11th (yesterday, I know, I know).  Much love, much love.

Man Loses Six-Pack, 4^th of July Re-Scheduled

Bernard Nunez awoke Monday morning to find a third of his six-pack gone.  The usually shirtless young man refused to remove his shirt at that afternoon’s swimming party, and requested to have the 4^th of July postponed to the 9^th.  “I don’t know where they went.  I was checking them out in the bathroom mirror at Olive Garden last night and I swear they were still there.  Oh shit, what if I left them at Starbucks.  And worse, which branch?”

“One thing you can count on at every party is Bernard chasing people shirtless, sometimes begging them to chase him with absolute disregard as to whether they’re passed out or not.  When the girls start taking his shirt off, he shamelessly lets them.  He’s so into being naked, I bet he even showers shirtless,” remarked Ponchito Mateo, a chubby middle-aged man who wishes to remain anonymous.  “Losing his six-pack, he should be happy because that’s how a real man looks like,” momentarily exposing his belly before his wife poked him with a barbeque skewer and called him a “shameless exhibitionist.”

Bernard vows to search for the missing 2-packs in time for next week’s 4^th of July party right after the oft-delayed Christmas party at 2.